Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
