Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
