All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He felt like a one man threesome
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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