today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
