my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
