remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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