someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she pinky promised me she was 18
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
