I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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