I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
