I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
