You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
