we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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