May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i love accidental penises.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
there is glitter all over my balls
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
