They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
