yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
