after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
