those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
