Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
