Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
