And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
