We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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