Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
