she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
