my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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