Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
