Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
