Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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