I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
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I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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