think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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