awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
