She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
