you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
