so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
