If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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