First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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