I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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