my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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