Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
