I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
