My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
