Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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