i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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