just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
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the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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