YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
