I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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