I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
