What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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