no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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