I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
