Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(818): View more from California

Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

Fav 8 3917 1301
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(318): View more from Louisiana

my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

Fav 6 4765 1431
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?

Fav 14 2884 948
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(316): View more from Kansas

I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.

Fav 6 1482 724
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(260): View more from Indiana

The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.

Fav 2 807 989
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(703): View more from Virginia

I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body

Fav 16 1317 883
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I can feel your judgement through the phone

Fav 0 79 20
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.

Fav 0 62 40
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