Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
