Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
