grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
