my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
