My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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