in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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