My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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