I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
