your thong is hanging out like whoa
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
