So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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