You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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