I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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