you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
