Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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