How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
