im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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